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“One by one, tear drops fall,
Like sweet autumn leaves landing softly on the floor.
Let them come and watch them all,
One by one, a release from the core”.
Big changes are upon me in my final week in Phuket. It’s been a humbling six months and I’ve healed and grown an immeasurable deal during my time here.

Just now on my mat, I let my teardrops fall, holding precious space for their natural expression and flow. I held myself with care and compassion as I would hold my dearest friend.

Endings are something that I’m all too familiar with. It is after all, a natural part of life, and much more frequent than we realise. With my life and movements completely uninhibited due to the internal freedom I have granted myself through sincere inward effort and work, I find myself experiencing the feeling of internal ‘dying’ on a regular basis. It has a very particular expression and quality of feeling that I am able to recognise now as a part of the natural flow of my microcosm.

There is something innately painful for the soul (subtle body) when everything it has come to know as ‘itself’ for a period, falls away in life’s natural flow. Our soul expresses a huge loss through body, mind and emotions. For me, it always starts off as a feeling of ‘deadness’, feeling of ‘no feeling’, of ‘numbness’ perhaps….it seems like a natural response to resist acknowledging the change and block the expression of loss… an endearing deep rooted attempt of our subconscious to protect us from a perceived pain, for a little while.

In the past, this phase often went on for years, blocking and resisting a natural internal change that was happening;….today it lasted just the morning, and I held space for it, recognising that it too was a feeling and an expression that needed to be held with care and compassion… I didn’t try to push it away, I gave it the patience and love it needed to be felt and heard. Then very naturally, it transformed to sadness and tears and I held myself patiently with compassionate silence, as grief and loss expressed itself.

I’ve learnt that it takes a great deal of honesty and courage to express one’s truth. Sometimes it feels like the scariest thing to share our truth with ourselves, let alone others, but it is exactly what we need to do if we are to recognise our direct experience of our emotions and thoughts, in order to give the best care to ourselves and transform our being into one of love.

What is one’s truth but the unadulterated, unedited version of our inner experience. Our truth is our direct experience of ourselves, as clearly as we can see it, no matter how ugly we think it is, no matter if we think we are wall flowers, beasts, the devil or poltergeist. If we can see and share this with ourselves and others, healing begins by itself, in the most direct way, through pure awareness.

Most of us subconsciously deny our feelings or make them ‘wrong’ because we have an idea that we should be ‘stronger’, that we shouldn’t be feeling ‘negative’ emotions, that this is not ‘normal’. This very viewpoint alone, sets us on a path to more aversion, resistance, disconnect, numbness and leads to more internal chaos, disharmony and psychological suffering.

Honest and truthful enquiry is more than a superficial halfhearted acknowledgement of our thoughts and feelings. It is also more than thinking ourselves in tricky circles. It requires us to take our seat in a safe and silent place, close our eyes, and look deeply and silently within. There has to be a fire in the belly, a penetrating and piercing internal gaze upon ourselves and a radically accepting and enabling openness. We have to really desire to sit with ourselves and to hear our story without any attempt to impose or edit or add. Just pure silent spacious awareness.

What is ‘becoming’ here in this process, is the very act of compassionate being. No matter what our story or feeling entails, what you are actually becoming more and more of is love.

A geek’s analogy for you all… in maths, if we divide anything by zero, we get infinity. Pure awareness is like the zero underneath all of our mental and emotional arithmetic. The instant you can zero in under them with awareness, the moment you become the infinite . You become love.

The life of a yogi, does indeed prepare you for the most graceful ‘death’ because after a while, you will see through life’s practice, that there is no such thing as a true coming to end…there are only nature’s most profound and blessed cycles and transformations.

Right now, I’m gathering strength and gearing up for what feels like a significant life warp and I’m super excited and super scared and super duper open and listening to all my inward movements for what they are, an expression of the Divine Infinite.

I love you all.
Live with courage and grace… and keep zeroing in with awareness to become love.

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