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It’s been a funny few months since leaving New Zealand in mid July. The ‘feeling’ right now is as though I were on a downward spiral towards dissatisfaction, disharmony, erraticism and chaos….and all seems to be a growing struggle as I mistakenly seek to find the freedom I once felt and know exists.

I know that comparing the present illusory feeling of ‘stuckness’ to the illusory memory of past freedom only serves to condemn the soul even more into the cage of an unhappy self-reprimanding ego…and yet ‘I’ still do it; it seems an impossible struggle not to. Then there is the further danger of sulphur coating all of this with a resounding feeling of failure and disgust for one’s perceived incapabilities at controlling ones thoughts and feelings and life, a convoluted and misinterpreted idea we often pick up when learning about meditation.

The serenity, peace and contentedness I often felt when the light was bright, now feels scanty and at times unobtainable and there is a growing fear as I perceive that day by day I become wrapped in falsehood and mis-identity.

I share this feeling freely because this is a part of the moving unreality that ‘I’ experience as my reality. Perhaps writing about it openly will help my little self and others to process it.

It is the most I can do to send myself love when I feel low, to send myself patience when I am irritable, to send myself compassion when what only can be described as dark and evil feelings and thoughts run through my being and I condemn myself for them.

This spiritual practice seems amass with dark alleys that one can drift down at any moment and yet there is no such thing as a wrong turn or dead end….only the eerie lanes that we must all travel down and get to know very well along the way.

The mind often throws up many challenging feelings and ideas when the time is ripe, just to make the journey extra exciting…all of these come from the vast memory bank of our past actions and reactions, past causes and affects; we cannot blame ourselves for them but we must take full responsibility for them when they arise.

When anxious and distressing thoughts and beliefs seem uncontrollable, I close my eyes and shift my concentration to the sense of feeling during those passing moments. I often feel a sensation of strong currents moving through my being, like the screechy static energy that courses across a fuzzy television screen. I watch this ‘anxious and uncomfortable’ energy course through me and it helps me to surrender identification with them and limits my projecting of them. A sharp, curious and keen looking helps to re-centre myself in awareness, in presence.

Direct and sharp perceiving helps us to see the internal objects more clearly for what they are and in doing so, the personality belonging to the feeling dissolves away from our centre, allowing the natural allied state of presence and equanimity to shine through.

All of the feelings we struggle with are of the past, and yet the past is not a reality that can be blamed for our present suffering. It is simply the opportune present moment surfacing of a stored up pain body that would be gone in a flash if we didn’t try to hold on to it. If we persevere courageously with our own inner light shining the way, all shadows, illusions and delusions will eventually come to light….we just need to keep walking. When we have seen clearly every dark recess of the alley, we will see that there was never anything to fear.

Our tendency to reach towards good and push away bad is simply a learned habit of an old personality that I trust will subside over time with great patience and a heart intent on correct understanding. When this internal push pull struggle happens, there seems to be nothing left to do but forgive the mistaken attachments of our habitual personality and offer up all of our patience while the reality of impermanence and non self slowly becomes more evident to us.

The most caring advice I can give my self is that the good times that came, were never meant to stay…nor will the dark times stick around. That actually every experience we have is simply Nature in perpetual motion with no beginning and no end and no real substance in any given moment; there is really nothing to label or grab on to, only the mind likes to take selfies and keep hold of them…now there’s a funny imagination that might help us.

May we grow in right knowledge and understanding.
May we learn how to best love ourselves and others in any given moment, as we all deserve.
May we surrender open to the absolute presence that is.

All my love


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